By : Swati Chauhan
If you are breathing a sigh of relief thinking the worst is over and gone, smirking proudly at your 1+ toddler who doesn’t needs to be carried around or attended to under a 24 hour surveillance monitor (much to your relief!) since he is oh-so-big now, it’s time to quickly gulp down the champagne glass since this celebration is surely short lived.
Brace yourself for the new lifestyle changes while on your roller coaster journey called ‘toddler parenting’. Here’s what you will now experience as parent of a toddler:
1.You find it perfectly normal to look for (and actually find) missing household items like TV remote in fridge, laundry bag and trash bins.
2.You master the art of skilfully sliding over cheerio’s, peanuts, salad, curd, corns strewn over the living room floor without falling.
3.You learn the patience to curb your cleaning urge and gleefully read, eat and sleep in a pile of mess.
4.You get jealous of people who get to shop and try new outfits in the changing room ‘alone‘.
5.The last time you looked at the mirror was with half closed eyes while brushing in the morning.
6.You disappear from ongoing messenger chats to pick up things from the floor, change nappy’s and stop your little one from consuming toothpaste….leaving your friends wondering if they said something wrong.
7.Anyone who can take care of the baby for some time and give you a break becomes an angel (even your mother in law).
8.No matter where you start, you end up in the children’s department of each store.
9.You discuss poop like national security matter over a cup of coffee with similar other parents. (If you manage to attend one).
10.You have given up watching movies at a cinema because you are tired counting the number of stairs in the Movie hall while going up and down with your toddler , who always finds it more amusing than the movie itself.
11. You finally understand what your Mom meant when she said, “you’ll know this when you have your own child”.
12. You find yourself secretly wishing that the sting and pain from the vaccination for your little one can somehow be shifted to your own butt.
13. When you go shopping, instead of you, your little one window shops and you just follow behind like a security guard of the store stopping her short in her arms as she reaches out to bring down the display shelf.
14. Your imagination grows by ‘leaps n bounds’, as you start seeing monsters coming out of garbage bins, Cinderella’s carriage in your thanksgiving pumpkin and Superman’s costume in your kitchen apron.
15. You also build extra visionary powers by learning to watch two different things from both eyes. One on the display rack and other on your kiddo.
16. Remember those good-for-nothing parents who couldn’t console their wailing baby in the store last summer, you apologise to them in your heart while trying to pull your own toddler from cleaning the floor outside the candy shop.
17. You start each day to achieve five main goals : putting breakfast, lunch, Mid-day meal, dinner and at least 4 bottle of milk down your little ones mouth.
18. You sob at every second story in the news about missing, lost and kidnapped children.
19. Your social circle gets reduced to parents whose kids are your kid’s age.
20. You can run the house without food, drinks and groceries but finding the diaper bag empty ‘NOW’ that’s an emergency.
21. Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn can take a hike, your favourite online hangouts are now Parenting forums.
22.You no longer need a wrist watch, wall clock, alarm clock, any Clock….your little one runs your schedule
23.You discover luxuries you once took for granted. Taking a relaxing shower without rushing out, sleeping for 8 hours straight (now that’s a fantasy!), and having a hot meal without having to hold, feed and clean your baby.
24. You get used to doing your morning (afternoon and midnight) bathroom rituals with either your little one standing beside or sitting next to you.
25. You become stink proof…’pee, poop, puke’ bring them on.
26. Your favourite TV shows get replaced by talking tom, online crayons and Aladdin.
27. Three words that disappear from your dictionary: peace, quiet and all alone. And Sleep…..what’s that?
28. You discover that the best conversations can be completed using monosyllables…awww, oooooooo, aaaaahhhhh, etc.
29. You add extra 30 minutes to your getting ready time before going anywhere to account for feeding the baby, waiting for her to poo and change, fetching her pacifier, toys she would like to carry in hand, filling boxes with fruits, cheerios’ and crackers, washing, drying and filling milk bottle, suddenly noticing that you look like a hogwash and trying to comb the strings and popcorn out of your hair…etc.
30. You experience new embarrassment highs as you find out you are the reason for the long line that has queued up behind and you are the one blocking everyone’s way.
31. You are at your creative best: you can make on the spot lullabies on the red pink roses on your toddlers shoes, generate fascinating stories about the two birds flying outside the window and create sounds you yourself don’t believe to be coming out of your throat.
32. You smuggle cookies, candies, chips, sodas and all sort of goodies in your kitchen closet with the same criminal instincts of hiding a pack of drugs.
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